Squeezing into my skinny jeans

My skinny jeans don't fit.

I'm not talking about drainpipes that cling to your thighs like Saran Wrap and are impossibly narrow at the bottom. I just mean the comfortable bootcut jeans that, as of last May, fit me like a glove and were a wardrobe staple. In ways, they were like a best friend: they were comfortable, reliable and familiar and they made me feel good about myself.

It's not that I don't love my lady lumps as they are - they're a bit more plush, perhaps; there's more jiggle in my wiggle, if you will. And I'm not striving for a scrawny physique like Kate Moss', either. It's just that I fit into those smaller jeans during a period when I ate because I was hungry, not because I was feeling anxious, or overwhelmed, or inadequate, or terrified or just plain bored. I listened to what my body wanted and needed and kept up a regular exercise regimen. That made me fel happy; gloriously, unabashedly happy. These smaller jeans, then, have come to symbolize a healthy spurt - a balanced, nutritious time when I was taking care of myself and feeling good about my eating habits.

It's all boils down to control, or the illusion of it, anyway. When things in my life feel frantic and disjointed, my eating habits follow a similarly frenetic pattern; routine creates a sense of safety or security and when I feel stable in other areas of my life, it's easier for me to control my diet. Now that I have a steady income and a 9-5 work routine (that stability I've craved), my goal is to create that necessary balance in my life again. So this desire to fit into my old jeans is not a total act of vainity; the greater goal I'm hoping to acheive is to re-train myself how to stick with the good habits that make for a that naturally healthier, stronger self. Fitting into those jeans is just one of the positive side effects of completing this goal.

To prove to myself that I was serious about reaching this endpoint, I've been doing the jeans test before getting dressed over the last few weeks. I've also documented how they fit from one day to the next to mark my progress (no matter how marginal). Here is the log so far.

Monday: Can pull them halfway up my hips. Really tight in most areas except the ankles.

Tuesday: See above.

Wednesday: See above (ugh!).

Thursday: Decided to skip the test for today, predicting results would be as uninspiring as the last three mornings.

Tuesday: After an intense workout last night, I can edge the jeans up higher onto my hips. Still a large gap between the button and its hole.

Thursday: Can do up the button (yes!), but movement severely restricted.

And, folks, that's all I've got so far. But I will continue with my plan for a calmer, happier, healthier self and hopefully, just in time for skirt season, I'll be able to slip on those jeans without any awkward yanking, twisting or grunting.